Let's try this again, for fun.

What a long hot long summer. I have gone through a lot since my last post. Dumped, new girlfriend, moved, stepped down from manager at my job, went back to school; and now it's finally fall in time and weather. I'm at my parents house and hearing the rain hit all the bamboo and evergreen leaves and that sense of melancholy has washed over me as it does every fall. Next Saturday I turn 33 years old and it is during this time that I reflect on my life. Melancholy doesn't necessarily mean depressed, it just means that I tend to reflect internally about how my life has gotten to this point.

I am old. I know that if you're older then me you'll tell me that I'm not, or if you're my age or a few years younger you'll tell me the same thing, but in all reality I am old. I have done a lot, but also have shied away from doing a lot due to fear. I'm tired. I go to a school where most of the students in my classes are more then ten years my junior. My girlfriend is 13 years younger then me. I hang out with kids ten years or so younger then me. My co-workers are all in their twenties. I am old.

I spend a lot of time feeling like I missed it. I don't know what 'it' is, but I spend a lot of times trying to figure out when and where 'it' happened and how I must have missed it. I'm back in school hoping that I find a new 'it' and that everything will be fine, but there's a little part of me that makes me think that I missed the one 'it' and now I just get to almost exist for the rest of my life. Sound depressing? It's not, for I know that it's just me going through transition.

Finally, I now believe in God again. I don't know why it happened, but I know what happened, but I really don't know why this one event lead me to believe that I now have faith in God. I am a reluctant believer, that is to say, I don't want to believe, but I do. Am I supposed to walk into church with my tail between my legs and look up at the Jesus high on the wall shrug my shoulders sit down and start singing hymns? I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I spent the last ten or so years denouncing the fucker. Now I pray.

I'll try to keep up on this here blog again. No one reads it anyway.