Let No Birds In. . .

I was sitting on my back porch trying really hard to see the meteor shower, but unfortunately I live too close to the city, but because I was out there in the dark I started thinking. Yes, my friends. Thinking. For the last month I have had way too much time to be introspective about my past and how it has lead me to this point now.

I have spent the last 16 plus years trying to put a handle on 6 years. You might laugh or not believe me, but those 6 years still haunt me. I still wake up screaming. I still jump when I hear a loud sound. People who move too fast with their hands make me nervous. I got the Fear bad.

This has also put a damper on being able to be intimate with another person for very long. I have complete fear to let someone that close have the ability to get to know me. I do have a couple of long time friends, and I do have one that has stuck by me through thick and thin; crazy or sane, but I trust him because he has seen what I have seen, done what I have done, and is doing what I am doing.

I lost another friend to suicide a couple of weeks ago, and that really messed with my trust issues. Then to top off the complete emotional challenge that is greiving, his mom asked how I stayed alive when her son didn't. I cannot answer that question, and I don't think I ever will. It seems like I have luck or bad luck on my side, depending on how you look at it.

Most of the people I have been hanging out with are newer friends. Some are only weeks old and most in the last five or less years. All I have ever wanted is just friends. Close and dear friends that live life and grow old together, but it seems like the people in my life go through me like air through a ghost.

Larry McMurty has a book called All My Friends are Going to be Strangers.

I have always wanted a wife. I like the idea of some woman legally bound to me for life as my best friend. My parents are doing it which makes it seem possible, but now that I'm knocking on 34 years old's door, I am starting to doubt my chances.

Now I'm sniffing around women that are taken or have no business getting involved in a guy like me and it almost seems like trying to begin a relationship is a futile exercise.

And who would want a depressed alcoholic who suffers from PTSD and terrible mood swings and lacks the ability for a healthy intimate relationship? I guess I've gotten pretty lucky this far, but I can't seem to think all that positivly.

I never thought I would start hearing myself grow old. Dead people don't age.